


kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright

by hacf



Category: For All Mankind (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Imagine Me & You Fusion, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:49:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29741070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hacf/pseuds/hacf
Summary: Karen & Tracy, imagine me and you au.
Relationships: Karen Baldwin/Ed Baldwin, Karen Baldwin/Tracy Stevens
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. three times 'cause you waited your whole life

**Author's Note:**

> title from paper rings by taylor swift. 
> 
> this is strongly based on the movie (some of the dialogue is identical) but i tried to tie in some of the space aspects of the show. i have no clue when or where it takes place but it is definitely not in the era of the show or movie, but sometime more recent.

The flower shop is a side gig that pays well enough and Tracy doesn’t completely hate it. The shop itself is small, tucked into a corner on a quiet street downtown, a coffee shop beside it and a pastry one that she visits too often down the street. She isn’t great at picking out flowers for bouquets or deciding on colour schemes for weddings, but she is excellent at following instructions and there is nothing more Margo loves than giving them. 

They’re a good team and they go from just another small shop on the street to one of the most popular florists for weddings. Tracy helps Margo re-paint the shop, soft blues with yellow and green accents, and they buy a new sign. 

Tracy does most of the grunt work for weddings, following instructions that she wrote and sketched in a notebook she brings with her everywhere and sends pictures to Margo when she’s finished.

It isn’t a bad job. 

Weddings always have a chaotic energy and it peaks just before people are set to arrive and everyone is running around to make sure it’s all perfect. Tracy is fast and she likes to spend the last fifteen minutes watching people lose their minds. Eventually, she has to go find the groom and his best man with a few light pink boutonnières on the tray in her hands. 

Tracy finds them outside and it’s easy to tell who is who. The groom, she thinks his name is Edward, is looking nervously back towards where his future wife’s car is supposed to arrive, and the best man, Gordon - call me Gordo - keeps checking out every woman that walks in.

“Hi,” Tracy says, forcing herself to smile. “You’re Edward, right? The groom?”

“Yeah, yeah. I am,” Ed smiles at her, “Call me Ed.”

“Well, I did your flowers.” 

“Oh, did you?” Ed looks past her like he could possibly see inside the church from here. He nods, smiling a bit. “They’re fabulous, aren’t they Gordo?”

“Fabulous, yeah.” Gordo shrugs, “Although I wouldn’t know a nice flower from a poke in the eye.”

“But they’re fabulous, aren’t they Gordo?” Ed repeats. 

Tracy laughs, saving both of them from themselves, and holds up the first flower. “May I?”

Ed nods and she attaches the boutinnière easily. Gordo is another story. 

“I do workout, yes.” He says, smirking down at her like he’s positive he can tell what she’s thinking. “Don’t have a six-pack though.” 

“No?” 

“Nope, twelve-pack, but I haven’t counted in a while.”

“You count your abs?” Tracy asks, looking up at him. “I’m not really into men with muscles.”

“The bonus though,” Gordo continues, “is that I’m very sensitive too.”

Tracy laughs and takes a step back, “I’m sure you are.” She’s saved when a kid runs up to them, crashing into Ed’s legs, and beaming up at him.

“Ed! I have a question!” 

“Not now Kelly,” A woman says. Tracy forgot her name but she was always there at the meetings with Margo, arguing about if pink wasn’t right for a spring wedding. 

“What’s the question?” Ed asks. 

“What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?” Kelly tells him. She’s a cute kid, long black hair and bright eyes, and the colour of her dress matches the flower on Ed’s suit. 

Ed pretends to think about it, his face twisting dramatically. “I haven’t got a bastard clue, I’m afraid.”

The bride’s mom nods, putting a gentle hand on Kelly’s shoulder and turning her towards the church. “There you are, you see. Now we can let him get married in peace.”

“It never happens,” Tracy blurts before she can stop herself. Kelly looks towards her, all hopeful eyes and the beginning of a smile appearing. “If there is something that cannot be stopped, it isn’t possible for there to be something else that cannot be moved, and vice versa. They can’t both exist, so it’s a trick question.” She smiles, hoping it’s comforting. “That’s the answer.”

Kelly beams at her, “Can she sit with me?”

\-- -- --

Kelly has endless questions and Tracy knows the answer to most. She likes the kid, it’s more fun listening to her talk and explaining physics concepts that she knows from her university classes than it would be people watching, but then the bride shows up and the church goes quiet. 

“I’ll see you later,” Tracy whispers to Kelly and takes advantage of everyone standing up to make her escape. She has to set up the reception and she’s never been a big fan of weddings anyway. The speeches are either too emotional that she feels embarrassed hearing them or too boring that it’s almost a waste of time. 

Tracy is half-way down the side of the aisle when she sees the bride. She’s gorgeous, which isn’t surprising, long dark hair in perfect curls, and big, bright eyes. They lock eyes which should be awkward, but Tracy smiles at her, raising her eyebrows, and grins bigger when the bride flushes and looks away. 

\-- -- --

The bride’s name is Karen. 

Tracy notices her immediately, standing in front of the punch bowl with a weird look on her face. It’s charming somehow and she figures it’s the best chance she’s going to get to introduce herself.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” Karen smiles at her, a bit tight and Tracy’s done enough weddings to know that half the brides find it more exhausting than fun. 

“We haven’t met yet, I’m Tracy.”

“Karen.”

“I did your flowers,” Tracy says. She expected Karen to be a hands-on bride, the type to have opinions about the meanings of flowers and colour schemes and what goes where. She hadn’t at all.

“You did?” Karen’s smile eases into something more genuine, “My flowers are nice.”

“Anyway, I was just going to get a drink,” Tracy says, stepping forward. Karen doesn’t move out of the way and they’re too close. Tracy’s eyes flicker without her control, from Karen’s eyes to her mouth to the dip in her dress, and then she realizes that she’s _married_ and snaps out of it.

Karen doesn’t seem to notice, “I wouldn’t.”

“Is there something wrong?” Tracy asks, slowly. She shoves her hands into the pockets of her pants and shrugs, “I’m here to help.”

“My ring,” Karen sighs, “I was getting some of this punch crap and -”

“Your wedding ring?” Tracy laughs. If she was superstitious she’d think this is a sign. A sign of what she has no clue, but a wedding ring lost in a punch bowl minutes after saying your vows has to mean something. 

“It fell off,” Karen says. She waves behind her with her right hand and Tracy grins at her, “And you tried the ladle?”

“Nothing.”

“And you can’t empty it.”

“No.”

“Right,” Tracy says. “Well, only one thing to do. Cover me.”

“What?” Karen frowns at her. 

“Use the dress,” Tracy says, “I'm going in.”

“You can’t just -” Karen starts, but Tracy is already behind her, pushing her sleeves up and dropping her hand into an already lukewarm punch. “Oh, yes, you can.” 

It doesn’t take too long to find the ring and when she looks up, Gordo is there, smirking at Karen.

“Hi,” Gordo says, noticing her.

“Hi,” Tracy echoes. She reaches for Karen’s left hand, slipping the ring back on, and stepping back beside her. 

“This is Tracy,” Karen says, “she’s a florist.”

“We’ve met,” Gordo grins. 

Karen looks delighted and Tracy sighs, pasting a smile on her face. Karen gets swept away by some other guest and Gordon leans in closer. “So, are you single?”

Tracy walks away.

\-- -- --

The shop is quiet and Tracy is half-assedly going through readings for one of her classes when a man crashes in. 

“You gotta help me. I need a flower,” he says. “Just one, a good one. The best.”

“Okay.” 

“This is my last chance.” He walks towards the herbs and bends down. 

“Your last chance?”

“I really fucked up.” He changes course and picks up a rose, “only the right flower can save me. What about a rose? What does it mean?”

“Love,” Tracy starts, she hops up onto the counter and sighs, “and fidelity.”

“Not a red rose, then.” He shakes his head, “too obvious anyway.”

“If this is really your last chance, we need something spectacular,” Tracy says. He nods, already circling back to the herbs. The door opens again and Karen walks in. 

“I’ll be right with you,” Tracy says, waving towards the man who is currently holding up a bundle of lavender. 

“That’s fine,” Karen nods. 

The man notices her and lights up, “What’s your favourite flower?”

“I don’t know,” Karen shrugs, “Lilies, I think.”

“No, that’s wrong.”

Tracy laughs and holds up another one, “How about this? Bird of paradise.”

“Keep talking.”

“Real name is Strelitzia, named after Charlotte of Strelitz. She married King George the Third and had fifteen kids. They never spend more than an hour apart -”

“-Okay stop talking.”

Tracy shrugs and puts the flower back in the group.

“Do you want to come to dinner?” Karen asks.

“Sorry?”

“Dinner with us,” Karen says, “Ed and me. It’s not - you don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”

“I’d love to.” 

“Really? This Friday?”

“Sure,” Tracy smiles at her. Karen flushes, nearly as dark as the red jacket she’s wearing, and she reaches up to push her hair back.

“This is the one,” The man declares, holding up a cactus. 

Tracy blinks at him, unsure, but he shoves more than enough bills into her hand before running out of the store. It isn’t her problem anyway.

\-- -- --

Tracy shows up with a giant bouquet of flowers that make Ed raise his eyebrows and she grins. She likes him and it’s easy to press them into his hands and watch him try to figure out how to set them into a vase. 

“Karen will love these,” Ed says. His head is one of the cupboards, the fifth he’s checked, but the one he’s positive has the vases. 

Karen shows up when he finally finds one and rolls her eyes, “these are lovely.” She says, turning to Tracy.

“Good, I’m glad you like them.” Tracy takes pity on Ed, taking the phase from his hands, and asking for scissors. He finds them easily and she works with Karen, trimming the stems and organizing them back into the vase.

“Listen, do you believe in reincarnation?” Ed asks and Tracy nearly jumps, she forgot he was there. “It’s just that Karen thought you guys had met before.”

“That’s not quite what I -” 

“I’d have remembered, I think.” Tracy cuts her off. Karen flushes again and it’s going to become a problem, how much Tracy enjoys it. 

Karen smiles at her, this tiny little thing, and the doorbell rings. 

“That’ll be Gordo!” Ed says, heading to get the door. 

Tracy frowns.

\-- -- --

Gordo’s presence doesn’t ruin dinner. Karen cooks, declaring all of them useless, so Tracy ends up in the living room with the boys. 

“So Tracy, was florist your dream job?” Gordo asks. 

“No,” Tracy shakes her head, “I’m in grad school too.”

“Oh? Studying what?” 

“Botany in extreme conditions,” Tracy shrugs. She might not be great at deciding which flowers look prettiest beside what, but she knows how they grow, how much sunlight they need and how much water, which ones work better in pots by themselves and which ones need more space. She has a plan to apply for the astronaut program as soon as she graduates and the florist shop is only there to help her make more money. She explains some of it, the vaguest version possible, and Gordo lights up. 

“That’s my plan too,” he grins. “Well, kind of - I did Air Force for a while, but now I’m studying mechanical engineering. We could be AsCans together.”

“Maybe,” Tracy shrugs. 

Gordo shrugs back, unbothered by her lack of interest, and excuses himself to go to the bathroom.

“Married?” Ed asks, “ever been married, ever gonna be married?”

“No, no.” Tracy says, “Maybe now that the laws have changed.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m gay.”

Ed transitions into a series of frankly hilarious facial expressions, shock, confusion, acceptance, before bursting out laughing. “Really? Lovely. Really, well done.”

“Thank you,” Tracy says, drily. “You’d recommend it so far then? Marriage?”

“Yeah,” Ed says, softer. He frowns, unsure, and that’s new too. “I mean - no, yes. It’s - great.”

Tracy isn’t going to pry and she’s saved by Karen popping back in and telling them it’s ready.

\-- -- --

The food is delicious and Tracy says so. 

Karen smiles at her but waves her off, “It’s nothing special.”

“She’s going to open a restaurant,” Ed says. “As soon as we find a place to rent.”

“Really?” Gordo asks, like it’s news to him.

“Yeah,” Karen says, “A bar-restaurant kind of thing. Sports on TV and good food and beer and a place you want to come back to.”

“Sounds great,” Tracy says.

“It does,” Gordo agrees, “but now, let’s have at it. How much better is sex after marriage.”

“Please,” Ed groans. 

“Because, when I’ve had sex with people after they were married,” Gordo leers, “they have said that it’s fantastic. Karen?”

“Go get married yourself and find out.”

“Come on, Gordo can’t make that commitment. We’re talking about two or three years of his life.”

“I’m not really a one person only kind of person,” Gordo says, raising his hands like it’s out of his control. 

“You really don’t think your other half’s out there?” Karen asks, “or maybe in here?”

“Actually, Karen -” Ed starts but Gordo cuts him off.

“-Well there are some gorgeous women around and I’m trying to sleep with as many as I can.”

“And you never fail, do you?” Ed adds, taking a sip of his drink.

“It’ll change when you meet the right one,” Karen says.

“And how am I supposed to know when I do that?”

Karen shrugs, “You don’t know, not straight away. It just feels warm and comfortable, but you hang in there and give it a chance, and before you know it, you’re like, _yes, this is it, this must be love.”_

“Yeah, I’m with her.” Ed nods, already moving to collect plates.

“I’m with her too,” Gordo follows, “give me that.”

“I don’t agree,” Tracy says. She’s looking at Karen, ignoring the boys who are stacking plates and grabbing cutlery. “I think you know immediately. You know, as soon as your eyes meet, and then everything that happens from then, it just proves that you had been right all along. Suddenly you realize that you were incomplete and now you are whole.”

Ed pauses, halfway to the kitchen, “actually, I’m with her.”

“I’m with her too,” Gordo agrees. He winks before he follows Ed and Tracy barely manages not to flip him off.

“If you think that, then you think that everyone who didn’t have that moment is settling for less.” Karen says, quieter. It’s a conversation for just the two of them and Tracy leans back in her chair. 

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“It kind of is what you’re saying.”

Karen is staring at her, not mad exactly, but considering. Tracy squirms and it’s the first time she’s ever been thankful for Gordo when he walks back in and says, “I think she said it a bit nicer.”

\-- -- --

Tracy finds an umbrella and disappears up to the roof. It’s raining but it isn’t freezing and she likes sitting outside, staring out at the city, and thinking about perspective. It looks like a ton, buildings and restaurants and street lamps, cars honking at each other, and people yelling. But it’s only a tiny part of the world, an even smaller part of the universe, and she loves the idea of looking for more. 

“What are you doing?” Karen calls out. She opens the door but doesn’t step outside and Tracy shrugs, “It’s gorgeous.”

“It’s pouring!” Karen protests. “Ed won’t come up here. Something about unconscious fear pushing him over the edge. He freaks out when I come up here too.”

“The view is worth it,” Tracy says. “I’m sorry about dinner.” She offers. She isn’t in the habit of apologizing and she isn’t sure if it’s appropriate for the moment, but she likes Karen and being friends is sounding better. 

“You shouldn’t be,” Karen says. “Not everyone gets to have that moment. It doesn’t mean it isn’t love.”

“Sure,” Tracy says. She hops off the edge and closes the umbrella, resting it against the inside of the door, and smiling at Karen.

“You’re wet,” Karen points out.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re freezing!” Karen says and tugs her sweater off. It’s dark pink and soft and Karen is so, so close to her when she drapes it over Tracy’s shoulders.

“Now you’re freezing,” Tracy points out and Karen rolls her eyes. She doesn’t step back and Tracy stares at her, forcing herself not to look anywhere except her eyes. Karen has nice arms and a sweet smile and this is not going the way it should. 

“What are you guys doing?” 

Ed’s voice and Karen flinches and takes a step backwards, “Nothing!”

“Well, Gordon wants to play strip poker or strip Gordo, and I really want him to go home.”

\-- -- --

Ellen drags Tracy grocery shopping at an ungodly hour on her only day off. Ellen, who is in her grad program, but is studying particle dynamics and doesn’t understand plants, and thinks they need to have more of a social life.

“My social life is fine,” Tracy protests. She snags a box of cereal off the shelf, high in sugar content, and Ellen frowns at it. 

“One dinner does not count,” Ellen says. “Unless you plan on seeing her again.”

“She’s married,” Tracy says. “Newly married and I’m not into her.”

“Sure,” Ellen nods. “Not into her at all.” They reach the end of an aisle and go left and Ellen asks, “What does she look like?”

They turn into another aisle, the baking aisle, and nearly hit another cart. Tracy looks up and it’s Ed and Karen, both of them pushing the cart and sighs. “She looks like that.” Tracy whispers and Ellen cracks up.

“Hi,” Ed says. He always looks like a mix between disappointed and amused and she doesn’t know him well enough to read it. He settles on a smile anyways and Tracy sighs, “Hi.”

“Hi,” Karen echoes.

Ellen shoves her shoulder and Tracy shakes her head, “Sorry, this is Ed and Karen, and this is Ellen, she’s my classmate.” 

“I’m her friend,” Ellen rolls her eyes. She offers her hand out and smiles, “nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Ed grins, “it’s funny, we were just talking about you.”

“Oh, all good I hope.” 

“Of course,” Ed says. He is way too delighted for a weird conversation in the middle of a freezing grocery store and Tracy grips the cart tighter, “So, saturday shopping?”

“Yes,” Karen nods.

“Great,” Ellen says, “us too.”

“Well, enjoy it,” Tracy says, “and listen, thanks for dinner. We should definitely -”

“Definitely,” Ed nods. 

“We will,” Karen confirms and Tracy smiles at her. 

“Okay, well enjoy your day,” Tracy says, pushing Ellen and the cart in the opposite direction. 

They run into each other again, apples on one side of them and oranges on the other. “We were just talking about you this time,” Ellen grins.

Karen stiffens but Ed laughs, “All good, I hope.”

“Of course,” Ellen says. 

“We’ve got to get going, it’s almost game time.” 

“Oh baby, we’ve got hours!” Ed shakes her head, “Football.”

“Right,” Ellen nods, even though she’s ever watched a football game in her life. “How darling.”

“Ellen,” Ed says, “are you gay?”

Karen closes her eyes and Tracy hides a laugh into her hand. Ellen lights up, “Am I gay? I’m ecstatic!”

“And you two aren’t?”

“Oh god no,” Tracy makes a face.

“I tried and tried,” Ellen says, all dramatic. She loops her arm around Tracy’s shoulders, “but she loves another.”

“Well,” Tracy says, “we should go, but we should definitely -”

“Definitely,” Karen nods, “bye.”

\-- -- --

Kelly has a presentation at school and calls to invite her. She sounds so excited and Tracy can hear her mom in the background, so she’s sure she had permission. She can’t say no so she shows up at an elementary school on a Wednesday afternoon. 

Karen falters when she sees her, smile disappearing from her face, but she recovers well enough. Tracy isn’t sure she would’ve noticed if she wasn’t paying so much attention to her. 

“What are you doing here?” Karen asks.

The mom whose name Tracy still doesn’t know sighs and holds the door open for them, “She helped Kelly with the project and Kelly made her promise to show up.”

Tracy shrugs. Kelly had found out from Ed that she was hoping to get into the space program and now she has a tiny ten-year-old who thinks she’s the coolest person around. It isn’t a hard thing to handle, but the look on Karen’s face is making her question it.

“That’s great,” Karen says eventually and nobody says anything else until they’re sitting with a bunch of ten-year-olds on wooden benches.

“This is space,” Kelly starts. The lights are down low and she has a flashlight to shine on the planets and stars she made out of cardboard. Tracy had helped her paint some of them. “Space is many light-years away. Light years are not measured in days or months but in kilometres. There is a good reason for this, but I don’t understand it yet.” She pauses for laughter and grins, “This bit is the Milky Way. It’s made up of lots of stars and lots of celestial phenomena. One of the best constellations is Ursa Major which is Latin American for Big Bear. It’s called that because one day in the olden times, that never _really_ happened, a naughty God called Zeus wanted to go to bed with someone he wasn’t married to.” 

Tracy doesn’t remember this part of the story and she drops her hand onto the bench. It’s too close to Karen’s and when she looks over at her, Karen is staring back. She goes red when she’s caught and stares back at the fake stars. 

“His wife was about to catch him and be very cross, so Zeus acted fast and turned his girlfriend into a bear. But Mrs. Zeus…” Kelly shrugs and Tracy zones out until she’s finishing up, “and that’s everything you need to know about space.”

“So good,” She says, clapping with everyone else.

Karen smiles, “Very good.”

\-- -- --

“You have to go, right?” Karen asks. 

They went to wait outside well Kelly and her mom packed her things up. “I don’t,” Tracy shrugs, stepping back to make more space for the influx of kids running down the stairs. 

“Tracy, I - I think we should talk about something that,” Karen says, quietly. “It’s just, I don’t know, when I’m with you -”

“-I have to go,” Tracy cuts her off. She can’t hear the end of the sentence, can’t look at Karen who looks hopeful and terrified and stupidly beautiful. Her cheeks are red from the cold and her jacket is a dark green that brings out the matching flecks of colour in her eyes and Tracy isn’t supposed to notice any of this. Karen has a ring on her finger that matches the one on Ed’s and Tracy doesn’t want to hurt either of them. 

“Oh,” Karen blinks. 

“I have a delivery,” Tracy lies, “and I have to be there in fifteen minutes, so I - yeah, I have to go.”

“Right,” Karen nods, “You should go then.”

\-- -- --

“Do you believe in love at first sight?” Karen asks.

Danielle and Doreen, two of the chefs she hired, turn to look at her. The restaurant is getting closer and closer to being ready to open and she thought she’d be freaking out more, but instead she finds herself thinking less about worrying and more about Tracy. 

“Well, it certainly saves time,” Danielle shrugs, “Why?”

“I’m reading this acceptance speech,” Karen says, motioning towards her laptop. She had been planning on looking into buying new sets of cutlery but had gotten distracted. “In her acceptance speech, the distinguished scientist paid tribute to her husband. Tomorrow the pair celebrate their 42nd wedding anniversary after eloping together on the day they met. When asked how they could possibly have known it would all work out, the Professor replied, _you don’t know, you can never be sure, but you take the plunge anyway. Sure is for people who don’t love enough.”_

“Sounds like bullshit to me,” Doreen grins. 

“Neither of you believe that you couldn’t just meet someone or see them - across a room, and with that one glance you could look into their eyes and see their soul?”

“Absolutely not,” Danielle laughs. 

“I don’t think so either,” Doreen agrees, “is that how you met Ed?”

Karen met Ed in a bar on campus where he was playing darts with Gordo and kept coming up to her to order more and more drinks that he never finished. It took him a year to ask her out and it wasn’t anything like it.

“No,” Karen shakes her head, “I don’t believe in it either.”

\-- -- --

Karen goes home early. She does yoga and tries not to think about anything. Not about the restaurant or Ed or Tracy, not about how she keeps dreaming about Tracy, showing up at her door in an over the top sparkly grey dress, holding out a bouquet of lilies, and smiling at her. 

It doesn’t help and eventually she gives up. She takes her laptop upstairs and switches to incognito mood and types _how to know if you’re into another woman._ She clicks one of the first links, _6 signs that you might be a woman who likes women,_ and starts reading. 

1\. You’ve started to fantasize...and it’s really nice.

Karen clicks the back button and swallows. Dreams are not the same thing as fantasies. The other articles aren’t helpful. They’re all about how to tell if a woman is interested in you and what you should look for if your boyfriend is cheating. She sighs and opens up another tap, typing in _how do lesbians have sex?_ before she can think twice about it. 

The first few links are rankings of how lesbians have sex, a few that seem more - technical, a guide for first timers, and then a shit ton of porn. 

Karen closes her eyes. It’s early afternoon, she still has hours until Ed is usually home, and it’s research. It’s a way to prove that she’s straight, that she’s still in love with her husband, and that however Tracy makes her feel isn’t real. 

She clicks the first link to a porn website and clicks the first video she sees. The set up is weirdly staged and clearly fake and she’s close to closing the tab until the first woman steps up and kisses the other one. It isn’t a lightning bolt moment but it’s something and she keeps watching. 

The two women are still just kissing, even though they took each other’s shirts off and the blonde one’s fingers are working at the brunette’s bra, when she hears footsteps and then Ed’s voice. 

“Oh good, you’re home,” Ed says, appearing in the door. She slams her laptop shut and puts her arms on top of it. “God, you wouldn’t believe the morning I had. I just had to come home.”

“Should I start on dinner?” Ed asks.

“Sure,” Karen nods. 

Ed has his shirt half-way undone when he realizes that she’s in bed with her laptop. He grins, lighting up and Karen flinches.

“What were you watching?”

“Nothing,” Karen shakes her head. She pushes her laptop further away from him and smiles, “What are you thinking for dinner?”

He climbs over her and grabs the laptop before she can push him off. “Ed, don’t -” He ignores her, settling in beside her, and opening the screen. It hasn’t been long enough that it requires her password again and the two women are still on the screen, half-naked and kissing. 

“Oh, shit!” Karen says, hoping she sounds somewhat surprised. “That has to be a pop-up.” 

“I mean, what? It’s porn, right?” Ed shrugs, “It’s degrading,” he moves the mouse towards the play button, “It’s offensive.”

“God, yes,” Karen agrees, reaching for the laptop. 

“Yeah,” Ed nods, “Let’s watch it anyway.” He sighs, looping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her closer. She goes easily and tucks her face into his neck. He still smells the same, the same cologne he's been wearing since she met him, and she sighs.

“Come on, Karen,” he says, softer. “I mean, things have been getting a bit slack in that department recently and I know it’s my fault.”

“No,” Karen shakes her head, “It’s mine.” It is her’s and they both know it. She feels slightly guilty about it but mostly confused, like part of her wants it but part of her never wants to sleep with him again. “But I don’t want to watch this.”

“Why?”

“It doesn’t turn me on,” she says and climbs out of bed, “pizza?”

Ed nods and waits until she’s walking out of the room to mutter, “that makes one of us.”

\-- -- --

Doreen is rolling out pizza dough and Danielle is cutting up toppings when Karen asks.

“Have either of you ever fancied or thought you might’ve briefly but before you realized you didn’t - another woman?”

“Why?” Danielle asks. She pushes the bowl of green peppers towards Karen and she takes a bite of one. 

“I’m trying to find someone for Patty,” She shrugs, “thought I’d double my chances.” Patty is more of Ed’s friend than her’s but neither of them need to know that.

“I always kind of wanted to before I die,” Danielle admits, “but I’ve also always wanted to go to Norway, so.”

“I have,” Doreen says, “why? Trouble in paradise already?”

“No,” Karen says, sharper than she means to. “We’re going out tonight.”

Doreen smiles at her, a bit too pitying, “He’s taking you out?”

“No,” Karen smiles, “I’m taking him.”

\-- -- --

It feels more like an awkward and painful first date than a fun night out with her husband, but the food is good and she can pretend the silences are comfortable. 

“That was fun,” Ed says. Both of his hands are on the steering wheel which is never a good sign. “Wasn’t it fun?”

“Had a good time,” Karen agrees. 

“You know, Karen, I think -”

“-Hey, the heath!” Karen cuts him off, “You remember the night you took me in the bushes?”

“I never took you in the bushes.”

“Sorry, wrong guy.”

“I took you up against a tree,” Ed continues, “I can’t be dealing with bushes and nettles and deadly nightshade.”

“Let’s do it.”

“What?””

“Let’s go, let’s do it now,” Karen says.

“No,” Ed mutters but he takes the exit.

\-- -- --

“Karen, where are you?” Ed calls, “come on, darling, it’s freezing.” He keeps walking, even if he can’t see a foot in front of him, he turns and walks backwards, yelling out again, “Karen! I just don’t understand why we have to do this stuff anymore. We’ve got a flat. It’s a good one. Your mother doesn’t even have a key to sneak up on us anymore and I swear that women has a sex radar.” He keeps walking towards what he thinks is the clearing and nearly jumps when he feels arms wrap around him.

“Did I scare you?” Karen asks.

“No,” Ed points. “Nettles everywhere.” 

Karen smiles at him and reaches up to undo the buttons of his shirt. 

“What are you doing?”

“Taking off your clothes.”

“Actually,” Ed stops her, his hands covering her’s. “It’s one of the great things about being a man. You can do these things without stripping off. Just a zip. A simple zip is all you need.”

“Are you going to talk through all of this?” Karen asks. The more he talks the more she thinks about him and the more she thinks about Ed, the more she thinks about Tracy and her stupidly deep voice, and then she gets distracted and then she feels guilty. 

“What was that?” Ed startles. 

“What?”

There’s ruffling again, footsteps in the leaves, and Karen sighs, turning around and squinting. “Alright whoever is there come out before we beat the crap out of you.”

“Yeah! Damn it!” Ed adds.

“Terribly sorry,” A man says, stepping out from behind the tree. His hair is a mess and his shirt is rumpled and he looks bashful but almost smug. 

“Sorry,” The other man says, “We were trying not to disturb you.”

“That’s fine, really,” Karen promises.

“Disturb us? No, no you didn’t disturb us,” Ed laughs.

The first guy smiles, “We - well, we were just - you know.”

“Us too,” Karen says. 

“Kind of,” Ed mutters, “I mean - we’re married, we have a bed but - something about nature.”

“Must be very nice to be married,” The second guy says, “We only just met this evening.”

Ed smiles, wry, “Yeah, sometimes I feel like we did too.”

\-- -- --

The fireworks show is popular even if Tracy has no clue what it’s actually for. She picks up her mom and they drive over together, bundled up in jackets and both of them complaining.

“I’m happy being single,” Diane whines, “I’m old, we should be more worried about you.”

“I’m fine,” Tracy says. “Tonight is about you, you can bug me about my dating life another day.” 

“I’m holding you to that,” Diane says. It’s not too freezing and they spend most of their time walking around, Tracy keeping her eye out for any eligible men. She thinks she spies one guy but before she can direct them towards them, there’s a ten-year-old running into her legs.

“Tracy!”

“Hey kid,” Tracy says, hugging her back. Two women she doesn’t recognize are walking towards them and Tracy smiles, “Hi.”

“That’s Doreen and Helena,” Kelly says. “They’re -” she hesitates, looking back at them. Both of them look amused and Tracy figures they’re dating. It’s pretty obvious from the hand holding to how softly Doreen looks at Helena. “Friends?” Kelly blinks, “Whatever. You’re here! Did you get cotton candy? I think the blue tastes better than the pink but Helena says they’re the same thing.” She keeps ranting about it, asking her if she knows why it dissolves so quickly in water, and if she owns a cotton candy maker herself. 

They all keep walking along, Kelly rambling, and all of them listening, until a kid accidentally knocks into Doreen.

“You okay?” She asks him and he smiles at her, “sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Doreen laughs, but he doesn’t hear her, too busy smiling at Kelly. 

Somehow, Doreen and Helena take her mom away, promising to help her find someone, and Tracy gets stuck watching Kelly and her new boyfriend, whose name is Sam, play at the park. 

It doesn’t last too long, Sam’s mom calling away and winking at Tracy, but then Kelly is sitting beside her on the bench. 

“You’ve got a boyfriend, hey?” Tracy teases.

“No, I haven’t,” Kelly says. “Not yet.” She thinks a bit more, adjusting the hat on her head and smirking up at her, “I can’t wait until you get a boyfriend.”

“You probably can, actually.”

“You could even get a husband,” Kelly sighs, “You’re old enough, you could find someone like Ed.”

“Kelly, I should explain something to you,” Tracy says. “I do believe I will be with one person for the rest of my life, but that person will be a woman.”

Kelly nods, “I understand.”

“You do?”

“My best friend is Natalie Curtis,” Kelly reminds her, “and I’d rather spend the rest of my life with her than any boy.”

“There you go.”

Kelly smiles at her and hops off the bench, “It doesn’t meant that you’re a lesbian or anything.”

\-- -- --

Her phone rings when she’s walking back home from her mom’s place. It’s Karen’s house number but she answers and there is no one on the other line. She calls back a few minutes later and Ed answers the phone, “Tracy! Just the woman I wanted to hear from.”

“Hey Ed,” Tracy says, “My phone just rang and it said it was you guys but -” she trails off and Ed takes the hint, “are you busy Tuesday?”

“No?”

“Perfect! I have a boring work party that I don’t want Karen to suffer through so it would be great if you could look after Karen for me. Come on, say yes!”

“I - yes.” 

“Brilliant, brilliant!” Ed says, “Karen will ring you with the details.”

“Okay,” Tracy sighs, “be safe.”

“You too.”

\-- -- --

Karen spends the walk to the stadium making sure that Tracy understands how much she has to hate the other team.

“Red team bad, blue team good,” Tracy teases. “I got it.”

Karen rolls her eyes and leads them to their seats. They’re good tickets, Ed got them from a guy at work, right by one of the goals. She gets into it without realizing it, standing up and chirping players with the rest of the crowd around her. 

“You know you’re kind of shrill,” Tracy notes.

“What?”

“When you shout,” Tracy says, “If you want them to hear your abuse better, you’ve got to project it.”

“Okay,” Karen glares, “teach me.”

“First off, tighten your stomach muscles,” Tracy says, putting her hands on her own stomach. 

“I don’t think I’ve got any.”

“Yeah, you do,” Tracy rolls her eyes. She’s noticed. “They’re right here.” She reaches out and presses her palm flat against Karen’s stomach. 

“There?” Karen breathes, quietly. Tracy is almost surprised she can hear her, but it isn’t like she’s distracted by anything else. 

“Tense them,” She instructs. 

Tracy can feel Karen take a deep breath in and tightening her stomach, “they’re pretty tense.”

“Okay,” Tracy nods, “next, you want to broaden your diaphragm.” 

“My what?”

Tracy smiles at her and moves her hand up. It’s barely under her breasts and Karen swallows, “oh.”

“Okay, push out against my hand,” Tracy says. Her voice sounds different now, raspier and quieter, and Karen forgets they’re at a football game. “You feel my hand?”

It’s a stupid idea, such a stupid idea, but she swallows and shakes her head. “Maybe if you put them both there?”

“Okay,” Tracy says. She moves behind her like this is normal and friendly, like teaching someone how to be louder to yell at shitty male football players, is how friends bond. Karen leans back automatically, her own hands at her sides, but itching to move up and cover Tracy’s. 

“And now for the big one,” Tracy whispers. They’re close to the same height and Tracy’s mouth is right by her ear. “Imagine the roof of your mouth is a cathedral.”

“No, you’ve lost me,” Karen admits. She does move her hands up this time, putting them directly over top of Tracy’s and hoping she doesn’t say anything about it.

“It’s a space thing,” Tracy continues, “Your mouth is that big that you have to fill it with sound. Deep from the inside, filling the space, and then throwing it out.”

“Like how?” Karen asks and regrets it, because Tracy steps away from her and smirks, “Like this.”

Tracy turns back towards the field and screams, “You’re a wanker, number 9!”

\-- -- --

“It’s your turn,” Karen says. Her team won and she’s giddy with it. She doesn’t want to go home yet, doesn’t want to risk the chance that Ed is already back, and doesn’t want Tracy to go away either. “Where do you want to go?”

“I don’t care,” Tracy shrugs. They have to stay close together, lost in a crowd of people all heading in the same direction, and Karen loops their arms together, “Good, then I’ll pick again.”

“I feel like dancing.”

“Perfect,” Karen grins, “I have an idea.”

\-- -- --

Apollo is half-arcade and half-bar and there’s a dancing game set up near the back. Karen used to go a lot when she was younger, her and Danielle and Doreen, but she hasn’t been in years. 

Tracy is a good dancer. It isn’t surprising and as soon as they finish the first song, Karen puts more quarters in and picks another. 

They keep going until they get a bit of a crowd who seem mostly impressed and then a few teenagers sweetly ask if they can have a turn. Karen nods at them and tugs Tracy away, buys her a beer at the bar. 

They leave eventually, a bit tipsy and still giddy, and Karen doesn’t protest when Tracy offers to walk her home.

“Tell me about the lily,” Karen says.

“You don’t want to know about the lily,” Tracy says. She walks purposefully, a swagger to her that Karen finds herself drawn to, her hands in her pockets and her eyebrow raised. 

“It’s my favourite.”

“Ask me about azalea.”

“Fine,” Karen pouts, “What about the azalea?”

“The azalea means, _may you achieve financial security.”_

“That’s boring,” Karen says, “tell me about the lily.” She stops in front of the gate to her apartment building and Tracy stops in front of her. 

“The lily means,” Tracy says, slowly. She looks away, towards the empty street, and then back to Karen, her eyes flickering down to her mouth and then back up again, “The lily means, _I dare you to love me.”_

Karen takes a deep breath. Tracy is so close and she’s so pretty, her hair still so bright in the streetlamp light, and her eyes are so blue. She almost kisses her. There isn’t another way to describe it, her entire body leans forward, and she stares at Tracy’s mouth, before something clicks and she snaps back.

“Well,” Karen swallows, “good night.”

\-- -- --

Tracy is on the steps and trimming off dead leaves of a plant when Karen walks up. She smiles when she sees her, easy and natural. “Hi.”

“No, no, you’re not happy to see me,” Karen says, walking right past her and into the store. “You can’t. I don’t want you to be happy to see me.”

“Okay,” Tracy follows her. 

“Okay. So I’m here because I don’t know what’s going on,” Karen starts, “I don’t. You make me feel something. Something I absolutely cannot feel.” She keeps pacing, the shop is small and she can’t get far, so she settles on sharp turns until she gives up and faces Tracy who is still standing at the door.

“I’m married,” Karen breathes. “I’m married, for Christ’s sake. I have a husband, this man, that I - this lovely guy. He’s done nothing wrong.”

Karen steps closer to her and a man shows up in the doorway.

“I was wondering if you could help me?” He starts, “I’m hoping to start a herb garden.”

Karen groans and walks to the backroom. She can hear the man talking, something about a small corner space and not a lot of sunlight, and then Tracy telling him it’s on the house and the door closing. 

As soon as Tracy opens the backdoor she’s talking again, “okay, so do you see? You have to see. I can’t do this. I can’t actually do this.” 

Tracy looks confused more than anything, eyebrows knitted up, and hands in her pockets.

Karen can’t look at her so she focuses on the posters of plants up on the walls. “So whatever it is or was, it’s got to stop. It’s got to stop now. Do you understand?” She leaves before Tracy can say anything, before she can be convinced to stay, or before she can be rejected. She doesn’t know what would be worse and she’s barely out of the shop before she’s turning back around, pushing the door and intercepting Tracy before she keeps walking forward. 

It’s easy to kiss her. She grabs onto Tracy’s stupid green jacket and pushes her back onto the piles of plants, soft enough that it doesn’t hurt but she isn’t sure if she’d be able to notice it anyways. Tracy’s lips are soft and she’s careful and slow and attentive, her hand against Karen’s face and then her shoulders and pushing her so she’s on her back. 

Karen pushes Tracy’s jacket off, pulling back until it’s gone and then leaning forward again, kissing her and pulling Tracy back on top of her. Tracy traces her mouth with her thumb and grins before kissing her again. 

It’s all Karen can focus on, Tracy’s body on her’s and the warmth of her mouth, and how she doesn’t want to do anything else ever. She tries to roll them over again but Tracy flinches, “ow.”

“What, what?” Karen asks, sitting back. 

“Thorns,” Tracy says, half-laughing and half-wincing. 

“I’m sorry,” Karen laughs and reaches forward to pull her back up. There’s the chime of the store door and they both flinch, the moment broken.

“Hello?”

Karen knows it’s Ed before he even asks for Tracy. 

“You in the back?”

“Yes, I - don’t come in, Ed!” Tracy calls. Her voice is raw and raspier and Karen wants to kiss her again and then hates herself for it. “I’ll be right there.” 

Tracy stands and doesn’t look at her. She pulls her jacket back on and pushes her hair back off her face. 

Karen is frozen, sitting against a pile of ruined flowers and ribbons and brown wrapping paper. She can hear them, loud and clear, and she closes her eyes. 

“What do you want, Ed?”

“Buy some flowers,” Ed laughs, “What else?”

“Flowers, of course.” 

“Not for me,” Ed clarifies, “ for my wife, Karen.”

Karen stands up at that, quietly, and she tries to look for an escape. There’s no back exit but there is a window and she stares at it. 

“Recently, she’s just been a bit...I don’t know. But you know what they say, there’s nothing quite so cheering as a well-timed bloom. So, I thought I’d get her one of your finest arrangements.”

“Absolutely.” Tracy says, “What does she like?”

Karen wonders if she’s pretending, like if she doesn’t know what flowers Karen likes, there is no way she just had her tongue in her mouth. 

Ed laughs, “you know what she likes.” 

It’s quite for a moment too long and Karen takes steps towards the window. 

“Lilies,” Ed says, quieter. “She likes lilies.”

“Lilies? Right, well, that’s simple.” 

Karen can imagine Tracy walking towards her left, where there’s lilies and irises and tulips. 

“So, did you enjoy football the other night?”

“It was an experience.”

“How did you find Karen?”

“Fine,” Tracy says, “she was fine?” 

“I was just wondering if she said anything about me. I just - I think I’m doing something wrong, is all, and I mean - that’s what I think, so, if she said what it is that I’m doing or not doing, then I can stop it. Or start or whatever, you see. And then we can go back to - like before. We can get back to being like before.” 

Karen grips the edge of the window and does her best not to throw up. Ed is - sweet and he loves her and he’s smart and clever and funny. She loves him, sure, she knows that, but it’s masked by guilt and shame now, and she doesn’t know if she can go back. 

“No, she didn’t say anything.” There’s quiet again and Karen waits. “You should ask her, you know. Not me.”

“I can’t ask Karen,” Ed says, “That’s way too scary.”

“Why?”

Ed laughs, “What if there is?”

Karen hears something about the flowers being free, on the house, out of guilt or shame or regret, Karen doesn’t know, but then she’s out the window and running down the street. 

\-- -- --

Tracy chases after her.

It’s a relief and it’s dreadful at the same time and somehow Karen ended up in a park she doesn’t recognize. It’s mostly empty, too early for lunch time breaks and all the kids are in school. 

“Karen, wait!”

“Tracy, please.” 

“Just talk to me.”

“What do you want me to say?” Karen snaps. She keeps walking and Tracy keeps following her. “I heard him. Jesus, I’m lying there, and I heard him. He’s blaming himself and he did nothing wrong and I’m here with you and -”

“You can put an end to this,” Tracy says.

Karen stops walking and Tracy nearly crashes into her. “How?”

“Tell me to go,” Tracy says. Her voice is even and her face is blank. “Tell me that’s what you want and I will walk away and you will never see me again.”

“Is that what you want?” Karen asks. Her voice breaks and Tracy grimaces. 

“I want you,” Tracy says. She laughs, tiny and small, and Karen flinches. “I know.”

“Tracy.”

“I know.”

“I can’t.”

“I know.” Tracy swallows. Karen’s hair is a mess around her face, flickering in the wind, and she wants to step forward and brush it off her face, and kiss her, wants so many things she won’t be able to have. “We’ll be okay.” 

Tracy steps forward and hugs her, kisses her cheek and holds her closer, “Don’t forget me.” It sounds too raw, too honest, and too meaningful, and she can feel Karen relax and lean into her.

“I won’t remember anything else.”

\-- -- --

Karen goes to Wayne’s place after work. 

Ed texted her that something came up and he was going out drinking with Molly. It means that Wayne’s place is safe from her, safe from someone who is closer to Ed, and someone she knows will pick his side. She should pick his side, but Karen doesn’t need a lecture. 

They get high and Wayne stays quiet until she caves, waving the blunt around, and talking around all her problems.

“It isn’t his fault, you know?” Karen says. “I just - she was there, at my wedding of all fucking places, and I saw her when I was walking down the aisle, and it felt like someone shocked me? Like I was sleeping and suddenly I woke up and she just smirked at me and left. She left! She didn’t even stay to watch me get married, she left and went to hang up flowers everywhere and then she saved my ring and I think -” she stops and Wayne smiles at her, taking the blunt out of her hand. 

“You think what?” Wayne asks. He isn’t smoking with her. She noticed that but she isn’t going to question it. Wayne always lets her talk. He has good advice and he’s sweet and his wife works with Ed at a shitty job they both hate. 

“I think I love her,” Karen says, “But I can’t love her, I can’t - I’m married.”

“Divorce is always an option,” Wayne shrugs. 

“Wayne!”

“If you love her, it’s not fair for anyone if you stay with Ed,” Wayne says, quieter. He passes her the blunt back and Karen sighs, shrinking back into her chair. “If you love her and she loves you, Ed will understand. He’ll be hurt and it will suck for a while, but he’s a good guy. He wants you to be happy.”

Karen nods. She thinks she’s crying now but she isn’t quite sure. Her head is swimming, Tracy and Ed, Ed and Tracy, and she loves them both, but she knows who she wants. 

“You should tell him,” Wayne says. 

“Yeah,” Karen mutters.

\-- -- --

Wayne drives her home.

They stop at a bar to pick up Molly and Ed, the two of them helping Molly into the front seat, and Ed next to Karen in the back. Both of them are grinning, drunk and delighted at everything.

“We quit!” Molly laughs, “we quit our fucking jobs and Thomas fucking Paine can suck my dick!”

Karen meets Wayne’s eyes in the mirror and laughs with her. Ed is giggling, honest to God giggles, his voice higher pitched than normal. He leans against her and smiles up at her, “I finally quit my job.”

“I know,” Karen says. “I’m happy for you.” 

Ed laughs and leans against her. As soon as they get home he runs to the sink, grabbing a giant glass, and filling it with water. 

“It never fails,” Ed says, “Eight glasses of these and the next day, you feel no pain.” He grins at her, a bit lopsided, his whole face lit up with it. “Are you well, my gorgeous darling?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“I want to talk to you, too,” Ed laughs, “Just three more of these and I’m quite literally all ears.”

“Okay,” Karen says, “I’ll meet you in the living room.”

Ed flops down on the couch and she stands up off the chair as he does, too restless to sit still. He looks too eager, chin resting in his hands, and his hair a mess. It’s getting long again and he pushes it out of his eyes. 

“I wanted to talk to you because - I have to talk to you because this _thing_ happened. I wasn’t looking for it, it just - it just happened and although it’s over, you have a right to know.” 

Ed is blinking at her and his eyes keep slipping shut before he forces them open. He’s drunk and she’s still high and this is a horrible time to talk about it but she isn’t going to be able to say it again. 

“I went crazy, Ed,” Karen continues, “I went crazy for someone and it wasn’t you. I’m sorry - I’m so very sorry, so please, please believe me.”

“Ed?” Karen turns and Ed is sideways now, his head against the edge of the couch. It doesn’t look comfortable but his eyes are closed and his breathing is even. She kneels beside him and reaches for the blanket, tucking him in. 

“No, no. Don’t sleep, Ed, please wake up,” Karen mutters. It’s useless, she knows, he falls asleep fast and heavy. “I can’t say this more than once. I’m staying. I couldn’t - wouldn’t leave you. You’re my best friend. And that was enough before. It’ll be enough again, so.” She closes her eyes, kisses his forehead and then stands up. 

Karen heads upstairs, careful to be quiet, and if she dared look back, she’d see Ed, eyes wide open and not asleep at all.

\-- -- -- 

Tracy knows she can’t overreact. She can’t pack up her life and run away. The chances of running into Karen again are slim anyway, it’s a big city, and they went years existing in the same place without meeting. 

But she wants to. She used to run in the park in the mornings but now she can’t without thinking of Karen, of _I won’t remember anything else,_ and Karen shaking in her arms. 

Weddings remind her of Karen, fruit punch, and football matches. She works a bigger wedding with Margo, outdoors with giant bunches of flowers, all brightly coloured, and overwhelming.

“What’s wrong with you?” Margo asks. 

“Nothing,” Tracy shrugs. Her flowers look fine. She does her job and goes to classes and writes reports on the acidity of soil and how it affects growth and doesn’t think about Karen’s smile or kissing her or the way Ed’s face looked when he realized something was wrong. 

Ellen lives further out from the city, in the suburbs so she could afford a house instead of an apartment. It takes ages to get on campus but she doesn’t seem to mind it and she takes one look at Tracy’s face when they meet at a bar and offers her guest room. 

It feels far enough away to count as a break, which sounds stupid in her head and gets Margo to look at her with so much pity. “I’ll get Aleida to cover your shifts,” Margo offers, “don’t rush back okay? Whenever you’re ready.”

Tracy is picking up a few things from the shop before she leaves, seeds to plant in the boxes on Ellen’s front porch as a thank you present and flowers to give to Ellen’s girlfriend when Gordo shows up. 

“It’s you, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tracy says. She isn’t in the mood for Gordo. She never is, but especially not now.

“Ed doesn’t know,” Gordo continues, “He said she didn’t say who it was, but I figured it out.”

“What did he say?”

“Just tell me I’m wrong,” Gordo says, “Tell me.”

Tracy shrugs and keeps packing her things, “It didn’t mean anything.”

“Oh come on,” Gordo frowns. “Her husband, her flipping husband, calls me in the middle of the night and you wanna know how he was? He was busted!”

“You know, just get out,” Tracy snaps. “It’s none of your business and this is what you do, isn’t it? Sleep with married women and act like it’s because it’s all you want? You don’t get to judge me, Gordo.”

“You slept with her?”

“No, I -” Tracy flinches, “It doesn’t matter, okay? She picked him, she wants him, I was just - confusing. I don’t know.” 

Gordo shakes his head, “I really thought you were above this.” He rolls his eyes, picking a rose out of a bucket, and leaves the store.

\-- -- --

Karen celebrates her birthday at her parents’ house. 

They usually do something more fun but Ed has been quiet, debating going back to school and applying to new jobs, and they don’t talk about anything. 

Kelly is the one holding things together but she disappeared to take a call and nobody has said anything since. Her mom puts a present in front of her and she unwraps it slowly, more careful than she usually is. It’s a cookbook, a smiling woman on the front holding a bowl of vegetables, and Karen tries to smile. 

“There’s a lovely section on cooking with your children,” Katherine hints.

Karen looks up just in time to catch Ed scoff and shake his head. Nobody else seems to notice and Kelly pops back in.

“Who was on the phone, honey?” Douglas asks. 

“Tracy,” Kelly sighs. “She was supposed to take me and my boyfriend to the museum, but now we’re not.”

“Oh,” Karen frowns. 

“Maybe some other time then,” Douglas says. 

“Not for a while,” Kelly frowns. “She’s going away for a long time.” 

“She is?” Karen asks. Ed’s frown deepens and it’s clear that he knows, but she doesn’t know how much or how. 

“When was the last time you took me on holiday?” Katherine sighs.

“The summer of ‘94. Great Barrier Reef,” Douglas grins, “you scared all the sharks away.”

“She didn’t mention that the other night,” Ed points out.

Karen swallows, “No, yes, she did say something. I remember now.”

“Will you take us to the museum?” Kelly asks, turning to Karen. “And can Ed come too?”

“Of course he can.” 

“Do penguins have knees?”

“I can’t handle this,” Ed says. 

“Ed -”

“- I can’t do it, Karen, I can’t do it,” Ed says, standing up. “I thought I could, but I can’t.”

“What’s happening?” Katherine asks. She looks suspiciously at Karen which would be annoying if she wasn’t right.

“I’m going,” Ed says. 

Karen blocks his way to the door, “I’m not going to leave you.”

“If you respect me at all, that’s exactly what you’ll do.”

“Will you kindly tell me what you’re talking about?” Katherine presses.

“Why is Ed being sad?” Kelly asks. 

“It’s not you leaving that’s going to kill me,” Ed says, “it’s you loving someone else more.” He moves her out of the way, gentle, always gentle, and walks out of the house. Karen follows him. 

“No, you’re not walking away,” Karen huffs, “Don’t walk away from me.”

“Yeah, keep saying that,” Ed says, “let me pretend that this is my choice.”

“What does that mean?”

“Oh, come on, Karen. Stop pretending. We both know you’d have left me in the end anyway.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is,” Ed laughs. “You know, I want you to be happy. More than anything else, I wanted to be the cause of happiness in you. But if I’m not, then I can’t stand in the way.” He smiles, his eyes wet and his hands shaking. 

“Do you see?” He reaches out and traces down her cheek, “because what you’re feeling now, Karen, is the unstoppable force, and that means that I’ve got to move.” He kisses her forehead and then he’s gone. 

\-- -- --

Karen paces. The front yard of her parents’ house is big enough to do it comfortably and she keeps going until Kelly comes out and asks sweetly if she wants some cake. She goes back in and sits on the couch in her mom’s library and stares at the cake. 

“What did Ed mean when he said you’re in love with someone else?” Katherine asks. All things considered she’s been patient, hovering, but not pressing. 

“I am in love with someone else,” Karen shrugs.

“Please tell me it isn’t Gordon,” Katherine frowns, “he’d shag an open wound.”

“Not him.”

“Who, then?” Douglas asks.

“Well, out with it, tell us. What’s his name?” Katherine says. 

“It’s Tracy,” Karen says. Kelly’s eyes go wide and she blinks, “so she is a lesbian.” 

Karen laughs and her mom looks like she’s about to pass out. “Tracy. Who is a woman?”

“Yes.”

“As you are a woman.”

“That’s right.”

“So the two of you are lesbi-friends.”

“It doesn’t matter what you call it,” Karen shrugs. “It’s not going to happen, not after this.”

“Could I say something here?” Douglas asks. He sits down beside her and Kelly moves to sit beside him. “When I first met your mother...back in the Trojan war, I fell for her right off the bat. And although she loved me back and she married me, somehow I always knew I was never quite up to snuff. We muddled along, got through the years, but I never doubted that if she ever met anyone that she really fell for, who made her realize what true love is, she’d leave me like a shot and how could I argue? Whatever you choose to do from here, we’ll support you. We always will. But please, my darling, follow your heart.”

“Can I borrow your car?”

Douglas beams at her, “I’ll drive you.”

\-- -- --  


“Hurry,” Karen whines, “Please. It’s a left up here.”

“I just think that if it isn’t Ed, there must be other fish in the sea.” Katherine says, from the backseat. “Male fish.”

“Straight here?”

“Yes.”

“Rather exciting.”

“And what about my grandchildren? Who will be providing them?”

“I believe there’s a marvellous new invention, somewhat akin to the turkey baster.”

“Just up here,” Karen points. She can see the store and she probably should start preparing a speech but she has no clue where to start. 

“And where did you two meet?” Katherine asks. She sounds resigned now and Karen smiles. 

“At my wedding.”

“But it’s such a short time. How can you be sure?”

“I knew after three seconds.”

Douglas nods, “I’ve heard of love happening that fast. The French call it _Le Flash.”_

“Of course they would, bloody perverts,” Katherine sighs. 

\-- -- --

The flower store is open, which is a good sign, but the person working is not Tracy. It’s another woman, younger, with dark hair and kind eyes. 

“Is Tracy here?” Karen asks. 

“Um, no?” Her name tag says Aleida and she looks confused, unsure if she should be scared. “She isn’t working this week.”

“Fuck,” Karen sighs.

Another woman walks out from the backroom, short red hair and giant glasses. “You’re her, aren’t you?” She frowns, “You’re the girl.” 

“Yes, I am.” 

“You have a husband.” 

“I left him. He left me. It doesn’t matter, it’s over,” Karen says, “where is she?”

“Do you love her?” Margo asks. 

“Yes,” Karen says, easy. “Please tell me where she went.”

\-- -- -- 

Margo ends up driving. 

A lot faster than her dad did, but he looks delighted, opposite to the look of horror on Katherine’s face. 

They take a left and traffic is a dead stop. Margo looks like she’s five seconds away from trying to drive on the sidewalk so Karen reaches out and shakes her head. She calls her and Tracy picks up, “Hello?”

“Trace, it’s me. Listen. We have to talk, everything’s changed,” Karen says, quickly.

“There’s nothing to say,” Tracy says. She sounds tired but there’s so much background noise. “You can’t do it.” She says it so fast and then the line is quiet. 

“Fuck,” Karen mutters. 

“She’ll be back,” Margo says. “She isn’t going that far - you can see her soon and then you can…”

“It’s over,” Karen swallows. 

“Good,” Katherine nods. 

A biker rolls past singing a song that’s too familiar. “That singing,” Karen says, “I heard that - on the phone.” She grins, unbuckling her seat, and opening the door.

“Where are you going?” 

It’s stupid, so fucking stupid, but it’s worth it, she knows it is, and it doesn’t take too much effort to climb onto the top of the car. 

“Tracy!” Karen yells. It isn’t loud enough and she closes her eyes, thinks of Tracy’s hands on her stomach and her mouth as a cathedral and opens her mouth to scream louder. “Tracy! Where are you? Tracy! Please!”

Lots of people are looking at her but she can’t see Tracy and she sighs. She takes a deep breath and yells, “You’re a wanker, number 9!”

It works. A door to a taxi opens and there’s bright blonde hair and Karen grins, jumps down off of the car and runs. 

Tracy meets her halfway. They’re in the middle of a jam-packed road and Karen doesn’t care. 

“I love you,” Karen grins. “I love you and I want you and -”

Tracy kisses her. She’s laughing when she pulls back, eyes dancing, and Karen grins. 

“I love you too.”


	2. in paper rings, in picture frames, in dirty dreams (epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tracy goes to space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, there is a LOT of handwaving of where in the world they are and timelines, but! space wives!

“Are you nervous?” Karen asks, “because I am so fucking nervous.” 

Wayne smiles at her, “I am freaking out inside.”

“We should’ve done this at home,” Karen whines. She lowers her voice, “We could’ve gotten high.” 

They closed her restaurant down for the night. It’s them and the rest of the families of the astronauts coming back from the moon. The fucking moon. It was worse when she left. They got to be there at the compound, her and Tracy’s mom, and Danny and Shane, the two of them five years old and already planning on going to Mars. 

Tracy had been in quarantine in the days leading up, which meant their good-bye was limited to waving from behind a piece of rope, and fake air hugs. It felt like they were too close to watching the rocket take off, even if they weren’t. Karen doesn’t think she slept until she got the message that Tracy was safe on the moon.

Karen misses her. She misses her more than anything and she hates watching the live streams of her doing maintenance on the Jamestown base. NASA started doing more livestreams and she knows there's a delay, that if something went wrong they wouldn't see it on the feed, but it doesn't make her feel better. She always goes to Wayne’s house when it happens, if it’s Tracy or Molly, and get high and watch old movies, until Tracy’s mom texts them that it's over, that they’re safe and back inside. 

They launch from the moon (the fucking moon) today and won’t be back on the Earth for another few days. It means they aren’t at NASA until then and they’re stuck watching the same feed as everyone else. 

It’s on all of the TVs in the restaurant right now. There’s two other astronauts on the flight back and their families each claimed a booth. It’s nice to have an extended family and be able to lean on people who understand how she feels. 

“I don’t think I’ll be able to breathe properly until they’re back,” Karen admits. She isn’t hungry but she picks at the fries in front of her.

“Me either,” Wayne says. 

This trip was only ninety days but felt like much longer. They can do some version of Facetime, which feels insane every time they did it, but it wasn’t the same. Shane took pictures of the moon every night when they walked the dogs and Danny set up a countdown calendar on their fridge. 

“Mom,” Danny asks, voice too sweet to be anything but suspicious. “Me and Shane want to make a cake for when Mama’s back.” 

It’s going to be a mess but she wonders if she can bribe Doreen to come over and help. Tracy is the baker in the family, not her, but she shrugs, “Sure honey, you and Shane go decide what kind to make okay?”

Danny grins at her. The same smile seen on Tracy’s face on the tv as she slips into her chair. 

“I’m so excited to see her again,” Danny says, quietly. 

“Me too,” Karen agrees. She kisses his head and he laughs, slipping out from under her arm and running back towards Shane. 

\-- -- --

There is absolutely nothing fun about watching your wife drop down to the Earth in what looks like a tiny storage container. 

Karen is tempted to hide her son’s eyes but both of them are watching, wide-eyed and exciting, and Karen knows she’ll never be able to pull off anything this exciting. 

Someone declares it nominal, a safe landing, and Karen thinks she cries. She doesn’t really remember. They get ushered to a separate place and she’s too aware of the cameras. 

They’ve become something of internet celebrities. There are too many references to Sally Ride and too many requests to handle. Her social media accounts doubled, then tripled in followers, and there are people online who argue about their “ship name”. Tracy thinks it’s hilarious and loves to slip in _my wife,_ as much as she can in interviews.

When they see Tracy, in the dark blue outfit that matches the one Molly is wearing behind her, both Danny and Shane sprint to her. She catches them both and kisses both of their heads. 

Karen can hear Tracy teasing them about missing her so much, Shane rolling his eyes just like his mother and Danny grinning at her, like it doesn’t count as teasing if it’s true.

“We made you cake,” Danny tells her. 

“Cake, huh?” Tracy grins. She looks up and meets Karen’s eyes, and it slips into something more like a smirk. “Is it edible?”

“Doreen helped, don’t worry,” Karen whispers, stepping into the space that Danny and Shane leave, and kissing her wife. 

“Miss me?”

“Just a bit,” Karen grins and takes her family home.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm @ helenawebster on tumblr :)


End file.
